Sick Inside

I just experienced one of a parent's worst nightmares. On a short family walk this evening, I saw Esther ride her tricycle out into a busy road as a car approached. Susie and I both screamed her name in unison. Fortunately, the car stopped and there was no harm done, but I still feel sick inside. Both Susie and I tried to explain the seriousness of what had happened, because I don't think Esther gets it. She doesn't understand.

I love Esther dearly. I don't think I could handle it emotionally if I lost her at this time. I'm grateful that she is okay. I'm not sure whether I want to hug her, throttle her, or ground her, or all three at once!

Maybe it's time for the lesson involving the milk jug filled with sand that is placed in the road for a car to run over. Perhaps that will get the lesson through.

Good Kids

You know, sometimes I think my children get a bad rap on my blog. And that shouldn't be. They are very good kids. They are also young, and are going through the process of learning and growing by making choices, both good and bad. Not so different from me, except I have a little more experience.

And as the old saying goes, "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." :)

I wanted to post a few positive things after my last blog post. First, I'd like to talk a bit about Esther. She is loving Kindergarten. She has made at least one friend. Her friend's name is Hannah, and she sits in the desk next to Esther. Although I haven't met Hannah yet, I did see her picture on the classroom door, and she looks like a character. Esther wants to have Hannah over at some point, and I think I would like that. It cheers my heart to see my daughter gaining social experience.

Esther also has confidence going into school. I originally planned to walk her to class the whole first week (I drive Esther to school because it is right on my way to work). After the first two days, I felt prompted to ask her if she wanted me to go in with her, or if she wanted to go herself. She indicated that she wanted to go herself. A moment later, she said, "I can go into school myself! I know where my class is!" Very rewarding moment. I am glad to see my little girl developing independence.

And now for Jayson. Jayson is a very sweet and loving boy. I took him and Esther to their dental checkup (Jayson's first, and he did spectacularly), and we went out to lunch afterwards. As we were eating, he told me, "Daddy, you are my good friend," which is one of his favorite sayings lately (I've grown quite fond of it myself). A moment later, he turned to Esther and said, "You are my good friend too." He then proceeded to get off his chair and go over and give her a hug, which was returned. I smiled widely as my heart took a picture of my oldest daughter and my son sharing a hug. As much as they may sometimes pick at each other, I know that they love each other.

Jayson also loves his baby sister, Lizzie. A couple of weeks ago, while they were still sleeping in the same room (we've since moved Lizzie back in with Esther), she was fussing and crying one evening, verbally expressing her desire to not go to bed. I was giving myself a break from Lizzie's fits. Suddenly, I heard a voice from the room start to sing, "I Need Thee Every Hour," which is one of Lizzie's favorite hymns. It took me just a moment to realize that it was Jayson! My heart was touched as I realized that my son was concerned for his sister, and was trying to comfort her in the best way that he knew how. Not bad at all for a three-year-old boy!

And then there is my Lizzie. She is a passionate child in all that she does. She brings great joy and delight into our family. She has a wonderful impish smile that makes me wonder what trouble she is thinking of getting into next. :) She also has a lovely singing voice, and likes to dance and spin around. She also enjoys the game where she runs down the hall and jumps on me, "knocking me over." Must be very empowering to my small one.

Lizzie is also discovering books, and she really is doing better about going to sleep at night.

I have three good children, and I love them very much. No matter what their actions may be, I will always love them. As a Daddy, I am beginning to get a slight glimpse of how Heavenly Father and Jesus must feel about me.

Daddy is an ogre

Or at least I sure feel like one lately. It seems like I am always getting on the kids about something. Don't get me wrong. I adore my children. They are intelligent, fun, funny, clever, and sweet. They are also whiny, demanding, crabby, and boundary pushers, and sometimes I want to throttle the whole lot of them! It's hard being the father of three children, age 5 and under. It's really hard. I don't think I acknowledge that fact enough. It's hard!

So much of the time, I come home weary, and it doesn't take much from the kids to get me going. I don't like feeling crabby towards them. I don't like being the "executioner," as I sometimes call myself. Sometimes it feels like all I do is lay down the law, and get the kids ready for bed. I have memories from a few years ago when I actually played with the children more. I read to them. I had fun with them. I don't have as much fun these days.

Things got really difficult after we had our third child. They say that number three is the hardest one on the family, and I believe it. I've really become worn out over the past two years, and my old coping strategies aren't working for me. I want to reach out to the Lord more for strength, but it is really hard for me. I'm so used to taking care of myself and doing things for myself. I'm independent to a fault, and I've been that way for as long as I can remember. It's hard to reach out to anyone for help and strength, even someone as wonderful as Jesus. I'm really struggling right now, and I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope.

I'm sitting in the computer room at Aspen Grove writing this because I've been an ogre this evening, and I want it to stop. I want to be able to enjoy a vacation with my family. You know, I think I'm beginning to understand why my Uncle Ralph doesn't enjoy vacations and special events very much. Lots of work, lots of stress, lots of money, and people who whine about what they don't have instead of appreciating what they are given. Sometimes I feel the same way toward my kids. I'm sure that sometimes God feels that way about me. I understand why God wants us to be grateful and thankful for the rich blessings He has given us, instead of always asking Him for more.

I don't know where this post is going. I just needed to get the feelings out somewhere. For those of you who may be reading this, please remember me in your prayers. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. I have seen miracles happen due to the prayers of the believers. I believe that prayer can even turn me from an ogre back into a human being.

Father of a Kindergartner

Esther starts Kindergarten tomorrow. It's hard to believe. I have numerous feelings at this point. First off, I'm excited for her. This will be a good opportunity for her to learn, grow, and make new friends. She is also excited right now, and I hope that continues. She's got her backpack packed and ready, and she has visited the classroom twice.

I'm also a bit amazed at how fast the time has gone. It doesn't seem like that long since my kindergartner was a tiny little baby, who enjoyed spitting up on me regularly. When I stop to think about it, it boggles my mind how quickly she has gone from a tiny baby to an eager kindergartner.

I'm slightly apprehensive. My schooling experience was not the most pleasant at times. Not the learning so much as the social. Esther will have some of those challenges too, but I am comforted that she has extra resources to draw on that I did not have. I think I mentioned them in an earlier blog post, but they bear repeating. Esther has a daddy, two siblings, and a church support network, three things that I did not have. I know that it will make a difference. As her teacher said, no child comes with everything. Some parents will be working on the ABC's with their children (Esther has known them since age 2). Others (like Susie and myself) will be working with their children socially.

I'm realizing that many things will be changing. I got a taste of this when I was scheduling our Aspen Grove trip earlier this year. I had to choose a week around the school schedule. Things won't be quite so happy-go-lucky as they used to. Of course, part of that is a good thing. As I will be Esther's ride into school each morning, it will encourage me to have better sleep habits, and I will be getting into work at the same time (and earlier time) more consistently.

I'm tired. That is pretty much a given by this time of night. :)

I'm grateful that I have the Priesthood. I gave Esther a "Back-to-School" blessing. I plan on doing this for each of my children once a year. After I finished with Esther's blessing, Jayson and Lizzie also expressed a desire for one. Although they aren't starting school yet, they are impacted by this change (as Susie wisely pointed out), so I gave each of them a blessing as well. I'm grateful and humbled that I can stand in Jesus' place, and attempt to do the things that He would do if He were here.

I'm also realizing that my little girl is growing up. I hope that I have taught her wisely and well, because she is going into a larger world, where more words and opinions will be thrown at her. As much as I would sometimes like to be there for her all the time, I realize that I will not always be there to help her, and it is time for her to learn to stand on her own a little bit. That is part of the growing up process. I knew it was painful when I was going through it. Now I can see a little bit of what it is like being on the other side, as a parent. It is a good step, but it will change all of us.

I'm grateful that, no matter what happens, Esther will always be my little girl. That will never change.