A Small Piece of Self Acceptance

I had an interesting experience on Tuesday night. Tuesday is my racquetball night. The local fitness center has a racquetball league in the fall and winter, and I have participated for several years. It is enjoyable, and I get to see a lot of different play styles, along with a wide range of skill levels.

Now in racquetball, there are those who are professional players, and those who are more recreational players. I feel like I fall somewhere in the middle. I'm not really good enough to consider myself a pro, but I am reasonably good, and I enjoy playing regularly. I've toyed with the idea of playing more often and practicing more to boost my skill level, but I've never been serious enough about it (when it comes down to it, I really dislike doing drills, which are necessary to get really good. Also, I would also need to lose quite a bit of weight).

As I got home after league on Tuesday night, I hopped into the shower. It's amazing how many of my "Aha" moments come in the shower! Anyway, I realized that I accepted myself as a recreational racquetball player. That may seem like a simple statement. However, being a perfectionist, I rarely accept any portion of myself or my behavior. So just being able to accept a small portion of myself is a big thing. I further realized that I am okay where I am. I am content to be a recreational racquetball player, who goes and plays once a week or so.

It's nice to be able to accept a part of myself. I believe that I need to accept myself where I am before I can change.

Sick Inside

I just experienced one of a parent's worst nightmares. On a short family walk this evening, I saw Esther ride her tricycle out into a busy road as a car approached. Susie and I both screamed her name in unison. Fortunately, the car stopped and there was no harm done, but I still feel sick inside. Both Susie and I tried to explain the seriousness of what had happened, because I don't think Esther gets it. She doesn't understand.

I love Esther dearly. I don't think I could handle it emotionally if I lost her at this time. I'm grateful that she is okay. I'm not sure whether I want to hug her, throttle her, or ground her, or all three at once!

Maybe it's time for the lesson involving the milk jug filled with sand that is placed in the road for a car to run over. Perhaps that will get the lesson through.

Good Kids

You know, sometimes I think my children get a bad rap on my blog. And that shouldn't be. They are very good kids. They are also young, and are going through the process of learning and growing by making choices, both good and bad. Not so different from me, except I have a little more experience.

And as the old saying goes, "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." :)

I wanted to post a few positive things after my last blog post. First, I'd like to talk a bit about Esther. She is loving Kindergarten. She has made at least one friend. Her friend's name is Hannah, and she sits in the desk next to Esther. Although I haven't met Hannah yet, I did see her picture on the classroom door, and she looks like a character. Esther wants to have Hannah over at some point, and I think I would like that. It cheers my heart to see my daughter gaining social experience.

Esther also has confidence going into school. I originally planned to walk her to class the whole first week (I drive Esther to school because it is right on my way to work). After the first two days, I felt prompted to ask her if she wanted me to go in with her, or if she wanted to go herself. She indicated that she wanted to go herself. A moment later, she said, "I can go into school myself! I know where my class is!" Very rewarding moment. I am glad to see my little girl developing independence.

And now for Jayson. Jayson is a very sweet and loving boy. I took him and Esther to their dental checkup (Jayson's first, and he did spectacularly), and we went out to lunch afterwards. As we were eating, he told me, "Daddy, you are my good friend," which is one of his favorite sayings lately (I've grown quite fond of it myself). A moment later, he turned to Esther and said, "You are my good friend too." He then proceeded to get off his chair and go over and give her a hug, which was returned. I smiled widely as my heart took a picture of my oldest daughter and my son sharing a hug. As much as they may sometimes pick at each other, I know that they love each other.

Jayson also loves his baby sister, Lizzie. A couple of weeks ago, while they were still sleeping in the same room (we've since moved Lizzie back in with Esther), she was fussing and crying one evening, verbally expressing her desire to not go to bed. I was giving myself a break from Lizzie's fits. Suddenly, I heard a voice from the room start to sing, "I Need Thee Every Hour," which is one of Lizzie's favorite hymns. It took me just a moment to realize that it was Jayson! My heart was touched as I realized that my son was concerned for his sister, and was trying to comfort her in the best way that he knew how. Not bad at all for a three-year-old boy!

And then there is my Lizzie. She is a passionate child in all that she does. She brings great joy and delight into our family. She has a wonderful impish smile that makes me wonder what trouble she is thinking of getting into next. :) She also has a lovely singing voice, and likes to dance and spin around. She also enjoys the game where she runs down the hall and jumps on me, "knocking me over." Must be very empowering to my small one.

Lizzie is also discovering books, and she really is doing better about going to sleep at night.

I have three good children, and I love them very much. No matter what their actions may be, I will always love them. As a Daddy, I am beginning to get a slight glimpse of how Heavenly Father and Jesus must feel about me.

Daddy is an ogre

Or at least I sure feel like one lately. It seems like I am always getting on the kids about something. Don't get me wrong. I adore my children. They are intelligent, fun, funny, clever, and sweet. They are also whiny, demanding, crabby, and boundary pushers, and sometimes I want to throttle the whole lot of them! It's hard being the father of three children, age 5 and under. It's really hard. I don't think I acknowledge that fact enough. It's hard!

So much of the time, I come home weary, and it doesn't take much from the kids to get me going. I don't like feeling crabby towards them. I don't like being the "executioner," as I sometimes call myself. Sometimes it feels like all I do is lay down the law, and get the kids ready for bed. I have memories from a few years ago when I actually played with the children more. I read to them. I had fun with them. I don't have as much fun these days.

Things got really difficult after we had our third child. They say that number three is the hardest one on the family, and I believe it. I've really become worn out over the past two years, and my old coping strategies aren't working for me. I want to reach out to the Lord more for strength, but it is really hard for me. I'm so used to taking care of myself and doing things for myself. I'm independent to a fault, and I've been that way for as long as I can remember. It's hard to reach out to anyone for help and strength, even someone as wonderful as Jesus. I'm really struggling right now, and I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope.

I'm sitting in the computer room at Aspen Grove writing this because I've been an ogre this evening, and I want it to stop. I want to be able to enjoy a vacation with my family. You know, I think I'm beginning to understand why my Uncle Ralph doesn't enjoy vacations and special events very much. Lots of work, lots of stress, lots of money, and people who whine about what they don't have instead of appreciating what they are given. Sometimes I feel the same way toward my kids. I'm sure that sometimes God feels that way about me. I understand why God wants us to be grateful and thankful for the rich blessings He has given us, instead of always asking Him for more.

I don't know where this post is going. I just needed to get the feelings out somewhere. For those of you who may be reading this, please remember me in your prayers. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. I have seen miracles happen due to the prayers of the believers. I believe that prayer can even turn me from an ogre back into a human being.

Father of a Kindergartner

Esther starts Kindergarten tomorrow. It's hard to believe. I have numerous feelings at this point. First off, I'm excited for her. This will be a good opportunity for her to learn, grow, and make new friends. She is also excited right now, and I hope that continues. She's got her backpack packed and ready, and she has visited the classroom twice.

I'm also a bit amazed at how fast the time has gone. It doesn't seem like that long since my kindergartner was a tiny little baby, who enjoyed spitting up on me regularly. When I stop to think about it, it boggles my mind how quickly she has gone from a tiny baby to an eager kindergartner.

I'm slightly apprehensive. My schooling experience was not the most pleasant at times. Not the learning so much as the social. Esther will have some of those challenges too, but I am comforted that she has extra resources to draw on that I did not have. I think I mentioned them in an earlier blog post, but they bear repeating. Esther has a daddy, two siblings, and a church support network, three things that I did not have. I know that it will make a difference. As her teacher said, no child comes with everything. Some parents will be working on the ABC's with their children (Esther has known them since age 2). Others (like Susie and myself) will be working with their children socially.

I'm realizing that many things will be changing. I got a taste of this when I was scheduling our Aspen Grove trip earlier this year. I had to choose a week around the school schedule. Things won't be quite so happy-go-lucky as they used to. Of course, part of that is a good thing. As I will be Esther's ride into school each morning, it will encourage me to have better sleep habits, and I will be getting into work at the same time (and earlier time) more consistently.

I'm tired. That is pretty much a given by this time of night. :)

I'm grateful that I have the Priesthood. I gave Esther a "Back-to-School" blessing. I plan on doing this for each of my children once a year. After I finished with Esther's blessing, Jayson and Lizzie also expressed a desire for one. Although they aren't starting school yet, they are impacted by this change (as Susie wisely pointed out), so I gave each of them a blessing as well. I'm grateful and humbled that I can stand in Jesus' place, and attempt to do the things that He would do if He were here.

I'm also realizing that my little girl is growing up. I hope that I have taught her wisely and well, because she is going into a larger world, where more words and opinions will be thrown at her. As much as I would sometimes like to be there for her all the time, I realize that I will not always be there to help her, and it is time for her to learn to stand on her own a little bit. That is part of the growing up process. I knew it was painful when I was going through it. Now I can see a little bit of what it is like being on the other side, as a parent. It is a good step, but it will change all of us.

I'm grateful that, no matter what happens, Esther will always be my little girl. That will never change.

Fair Consequences

Jayson is my delightful son, who just turned three. He is polite, helpful, thoughtful, and full of energy. Earlier today, he wanted to help me empty the dishwasher. I showed him where the various items of silverware go in the drawer, and he got most of them right. He sometimes says very sweet things. My recent favorite is, "Daddy, you're my good friend." Yesterday, we went to Lowe's together to pick up a replacement spark plug for the lawn mower (which, unfortunately, is dead). We also went to Toys R Us and played with the trains.

Now lest you think I have the perfect toddler, let me assure you that I have no such delusions when it comes to my son. He can also be crabby, stubborn, and mean to his sisters. He's been going through a phase where he likes to push, hit, and kick. I'm hoping it is a very short phase. In the meantime, we have a couple of consequences set up (yes, I'm getting to the point of my post eventually, bear with me :-). Sometimes I will sit on him, particularly if he has hit or kicked. He really doesn't like that. If he gets pushy, he gets sent to his room with the door shut.

I had an unexpected opportunity to show Jayson that consequences apply to all family members. Just before we went to church, I called downstairs for the children to come up and put on their shoes. In fact, I called down several times. I was already a bit crabby, and the fact that I got no response from downstairs did little to improve my mood. I stomped downstairs, and got there just in time to see Jayson knock Lizzie down. I'm sad to admit it, but in my anger, I went and knocked Jayson to the floor also. I immediately felt bad about it.

Jayson went upstairs, crying, and told Mommy what I had done. I came up right behind him, and admitted what I had done, and that it was wrong. I knelt down to apologize to him, and suddenly had a flash of inspiration. Since he usually gets sent to his room when he does that, I should get sent to my room. So I went into the bedroom, and invited Jayson to close the door on me, which he did with some enthusiasm.

A small, silly little incident? Perhaps. But it also teaches an important lesson. Daddy is not exempt from the rules. Consequences should be fair when possible, and that includes me. It shows that the rules are important to everyone, and everyone needs to follow them.

August has been better than July

Hello, all. Gee, it's been awhile since I've written anything! That may be good or bad depending on your point of view. Of course, I'm not twisting anyone's arm to read this, so I won't worry. :)

We had an enjoyable vacation earlier this month. We went up to Aspen Grove, which is run by the BYU alumni association. They do marriage retreats, conferences, and family camps (both full and half week). We did a half-week family camp last year, and really enjoyed it, so we signed up for the full week experience this year. It's really nice, because the price (which is quite reasonable, by the way) includes lodging, food, and all activities! And there is so much stuff to do, that there isn't time to do it all.

Of course the best part from my point of view is that they have activities for every age group, and they take your children for part of the day each day. :D I love my children very much, and I love them even more after I have had a break from them. It's nice to do things with just Susie, and by myself.

Some of the things that I did included racquetball, archery, air rifle shooting, a Dance Dance Revolution contest, frisbee golf, shuffleboard, and taking naps. I also had ice cream from the store for four days in a row. Yummy! We also took part in the family talent show on Monday night. We did a story called "Browniecurls and the Three Lairds" (any relation to a similar story that you may have heard is purely intentional). That one was a big hit, including our running gag about the youngest Laird ("Lizzie who was two. Enough said."). People commented about it to us for the rest of the week.

Some of the things I may try in future years include the ropes course, a GPS course, a nice long hike, arts and crafts, and going to the guest lecture (none of the offerings appealed to me this time around). Definitely an enjoyable time.

Sadly, we came back to the real world with a bump (literally), and at rapid speed. As we were packing up, I took Lizzie with me to the truck with a loaded luggage cart. After unloading it, I thought she might enjoy a ride back to the room on the cart, which she did...at first. Unfortunately, as I was going around a corner, I heard a thump, followed by a loud scream. Lizzie had rolled off of the cart, and landed face first on the concrete! I also inadvertantly ran over one of her fingers with the cart! Needless to say, I felt terrible. We took her to the Instacare, and found out (fortunately) that the bump was not serious or concussion-inducing. The finger, sadly, is taking longer to heal. But she seems to be okay overall, and she has been able to express herself with the words, "Owie" and "That hurts."

Anyway, on to other topics of interest. Esther will be starting kindergarten in a week. She met her teacher Ms. Thompson on Friday. The whole family went to meet her. Esther was understandably nervous. After all, she was in a building she'd never been in before meeting a person she'd never met before. I figure it was much like I would feel at a job interview, except Esther's interviewer is nicer. However, Esther warmed up to the teacher by the time she started the assessment. Susie and I were both very impressed with the teacher. Jayson and Lizzie enjoyed playing with the toys in the classroom.

Esther did very well on her assessment. I was watching a listening from a different part of the classroom whilst trying to keep my younger two from destroying the place. Ms. Thompson asked Esther about letters, numbers, patterns, colors, and shapes. She also had her read some short words, and asked some story comprehension questions. The teacher confirmed what we already knew: Esther is very intelligent. Her focus in kindergarten will be on the social aspect, moreso than the academic.

Again, no surprise there. The poor thing takes after her father in that regard. If nothing else, I will be able to be compassionate and understanding as she grows up. I know exactly what it feels like to be intellectually gifted and to struggle a bit socially. However, Esther will have several advantages that I did not have. This is a comfort to me. Esther has a brother and a sister, so she has already had practice at socialization to a degree. Esther also has a father on the earth. My father died when I was one and a half, and I know that made a difference for me, just as I can make a difference for Esther. Third, Esther attends church. This gives her further opportunities for social interaction, as well as an additional support network.

Although Esther will certianly have her challenges in school (don't we all?), I think she will turn out just fine. She's a strong girl, and a very good girl as well. I don't think she will struggle socially as much as I did. And to paraphrase Gordon B Hinckley, when talking about one of his sons, "He has a wonderful mother. I wish I could recommend his father to you." :D

What else has been going on? The new "Clone Wars" movie came out in theaters a week or so ago. Although the critics panned it, I enjoyed it. Certainly not the best Star Wars movie I've ever seen, but if you can take the show for what it is, an introduction to the upcoming TV series, it is enjoyable in its own right. Besides, I got to see more of Count Dooku, who is one of my favorite characters (big surprise there). In fact, I was able to troop the release with my Star Wars group (the Alpine Garrison) on Saturday, the day after we got back from Aspen Grove. I hadn't worn my Dooku costume in some time, so it was nice to put it on again. I had more fun at this event than I had had trooping in some time.

My favorite part of the troop was at the end. As I went out to the front of the theater for the final time, I met a young boy and his father getting tickets. I leaned down to shake the young boy's hand. As I did so, his father pointed out the lightsaber in my other hand. To which the young boy replied, "Wow! Cool!" I saw him a moment or two later with the rest of his family. I heard him say, "Mom, look at that guy! Look at that guy!" It's the moments like that where I can connect with a child that makes the trooping worthwhile.

My second favorite moment of the troop was when a girl approached and solemnly informed me that I should leave the Dark Side. Staying true to character, I thanked her for her concerned and informed her that I was happy where I was. :D

I also had the opportunity to see some old friends briefly last weekend. J.D. and Gina Williams are friends of mine from my days in the singles ward. J.D. and I were roommates for a year or two. They married, and now have four children! They were in the area, and called me, asking if they could stop by and visit. Although the visit was less than an hour, it was sure good to see them again. Their children are beautiful, and quite the characters! It's always good to see old friends again. I've known them for a long time. Now I just need to track down some of my other old friends.

I think that covers the main highlights of the month. If you've made it this far in this blog post, I salute you! Thanks for reading. Until next time!