Marriage

This has to be my shortest title yet, and yet there is so much in that one single word. I've been thinking about marriage more these days, perhaps due to attending one wedding this past Saturday, talking about parts of my own marriage with my beloved Susie, and some good friends getting engaged last night (well, actually early this morning if you want to be technical about it, which I often do :-).

Most people (or at least many people) go into marriage expecting roses, romance, and bliss. As the old joke goes, the girl about to get married joyfully exclaimed to her mother, "I'm at the end of all my troubles." To which her mother wisely replied, "Yes, dear, but which end?" I don't wish to focus on the fact that marriage has difficulties, troubles, and many opportunities to grow. I think that is common knowledge (with the possible exception of some newlyweds). I wish to focus a bit on my own feelings about marriage.

This may not be the cheerful, off-the-wall, slightly sarcastic post that you are used to. If that's what you're hoping for, you may have to wait for the next post. It is my blog, after all. ;)

You see, unlike many engaged people, I didn't come into marriage expecting happiness and bliss. I came in expecting struggles. In fact, I remember getting quite annoyed with the instructor in our weekly marriage preparedness class (this was back when I was engaged). He spent so much time talking about the challenges, that I began to get frustrated. At one point, I even raised my hand and asked about the good parts of marriage. I suppose that his lesson had a point, as most of the other couples in the room had their head in the clouds a bit and needed to be brought a little closer to the earth. But I really wanted to hear some more positive things, already being aware of the challenges that were coming. Also, the instructor's voice had a tendency to jump up about 30 decibels randomly during the class. That was annoying too. And then there was that hideous egg timer that we got for a wedding present...

But I digress. As I have grown older, and hopefully a little wiser, I have come to a greater understanding of marriage. The ideal marriage consists of three, not two, individuals: the husband, the wife, and the Lord. I also believe that these three individuals can form a triangle, with the Lord at the top, and the husband and wife on the bottom corners. As husband and wife draw closer to the Lord, they also draw closer to each other.

I also believe that the marriage is only as strong as the weakest of its three component parts. Now we know the Lord is never weak. His strength is infinite and eternal. My wife is also one of the strongest individuals I have ever met. That doesn't make it too hard to pick our the weak link, does it?

So much of my attitude toward marriage is an outgrowth of my feelings toward myself. I have always struggled with feelings of self-worth, even from my younger years. As I am not overly comfortable in my own presence, I struggle to even fathom that others would want to be near me, and enjoy spending time with me. That others would consider time spent with me to be a treat, rather than a burden. These kind of feelings do make it difficult for closeness to grow in a marriage. Many of the attempts Susie has made to draw closer to me have been rebuffed by me, not maliciously or deliberately, but out of my own feelings of lack of worth.

Yet I also believe that marriage can offer some of the greatest joys that life has to give. To have another individual to walk life's journey next to me. To have someone to talk to and to listen to, to learn and laugh and love and work and play together. Someone to cheer for me when I am down, and I able to do the same for her.

And yet, none of it comes without work. There is never a lack of work to do in a marriage or a home, especially a home with small children. And yet, there is joy to be found in the day to day things, if one is only open to finding it.

The scary thing about become close in marriage is opening oneself more deeply to another. This is especially hard when one is not very comfortable with oneself. One who has been rejected many times often blocks off further closeness to protect oneself. And yet, is the enforced closeness, the walls so high and door so thick, is that any way to live? Is that any way for my wife to live?

I have seen much growth and progress in my personal life over the last 6+ years since I was married. I am blessed to have a wonderful and supportive wife, who would show me love so greatly if I were but to allow her to do so more often. It is good to be married. I certainly would never choose to return to the single life (especially single life with roommates. I got my share of the weird ones there close to the end).

And yet, I feel a yearning to be a better husband to my beloved wife. It feels like so much of it rests on me and my healing and progress. And it feels like I have such a long way to go. But when you get right down to it, what on this earth is more important than family? And who in the family is more important than your spouse?